Mitch Hedberg is so win!!!!!

I like an escalator, man, 'cause an escalator can never break. It can only become stairs. There would never be an "Escalator temporarily out of order" sign, only "Escalator temporarily stairs. Sorry for the convenience."

---Mitch Hedberg

There are two things that are more difficult than making an after-dinner speech: climbing a wall which is leaning toward you and kissing a girl who is leaning away from you.
---Winston Churchill