Abby S.
In life, many things are uncertain. We don't know what will be tomorrow, and we barely know what is happening today. But there is one thing we do know. The moment Trader Joe's turns on us, we will begin referring to it as Traitor Joe's.
Anonymous
The story of the gingerbread man is one of the most horrific tales in children's literature. All the gingerbread man ever wanted was to live, yet nobody was willing to respect the sanctity of the life of a sentient cookie.
Lendon Branxfort
- The Man in the Window
He was a puzzle to theologians, scientists, and philosophers. Atheists argued that he was their proof, for no benevolent deity would create such a creature. But theists argued that such a weak and pathetic creature could never be produced by evolution alone and therefore must be the result of divine or diabolical intervention.
February Vingt-Neuf
It's the wrong time to make jokes about slavery. As a general rule, time your jokes to make them less insensitive; if it's been less than six months since Juneteenth or if there are less than six months until Juneteenth, it's the wrong time.
Shane Brown
Think about it: If you're suffering from dehydration and go to the hospital, what happens? They hook you up to a glucose drip, which is essentially sugar and water. Slurpees are, essentially, sugar and water. That makes Slurpees medicine in my book, and if you're gonna take medicine, it might as well be wild cherry flavored, no?
@loresjoberg
You can give a man a fish and then teach him how to fish afterward, you know. And it's a lot easier for a person to learn how to fish when he is not starving.
Dr. Jenna Bolner
I've heard people say that parents who leave children in cars must be awful, neglectful, uncaring parents, because normal people would never do such a thing. This is wrong. It is parents who believe that normal people wouldn't do it who end up making this potentially deadly mistake. To protect your own children, realize that it could be you, and take precautions.
Bill Bonney
My pal and I decided to watch all the Star Wars films back to back. Bad idea. First of all, the plot actually doesn't make sense unless you take a little more time to build suspension of disbelief. Second of all, I actually don't know what was going on because we were back to back and he was the one facing the TV.
Anonymous
A colon can completely change the meaning of a sentence. Consider the following two sentences. Jack put his wife's leftovers in the freezer. Jack put his wife's colon in the freezer.
James Greiy
Great Grandpa is ninety-three years old and has the brain and body of a man in his thirties. He brags about this so often and with so little caution that he is nearly certain to get caught and spend the rest of his days in prison.
Lexa Brenton
Follow your heart, if it should happen to wander. Otherwise, it will go off without you, and then how will your blood circulate around your body? It is a vital organ, after all.
Idy List
I've heard it said that "be yourself" is bad advice because some people are jerks and should not be themselves. However, I disagree. Being a jerk is not part of a person's identity. A jerk who stops being a jerk is becoming their true self.
Ben Carson (not the famous one)
"Money can't buy happiness" is not advice for poor people. It's advice for rich people and upper middle class people who think that more money will make them happier. They have reached the point of diminishing return.
Agent Obscuro
This sentence is about you; it combines three independent clauses and is mostly self-referential, and as the most recent person to read this quote, you ought to appreciate it.
Far Heetael
What they don't tell you is that after the princess kissed the frog and it turned into a prince, she still got salmonella afterward. Don't kiss reptiles or amphibians.
Borphacious Spint
- Assuming People
Only the most naive people assume that what they see is what they get. For in reality, what one sees is likely as not a facade. Every silver lining has a cloud, and every souffle is mostly air.
Han Ybalecter
Humans are equal, just like M 'n M candies. On the outside, humans all look different. People are of different genders, different appearances, and different colors. But they all taste the same.
Harold Jones
Love is worth nothing to some but everything to others. Still, its objective value is neither more than nor less than the value that tennis players ascribe to it.
Mark Twain
- A Connecticut Yankee in King Arthur’s Court
Oh, it was no use to waste sense on her. Training - training is everything; training is all there is to a person. We speak of nature; it is folly; there is no such thing as nature; what we call by that misleading name is merely heredity and training. We have no thoughts of our own, no opinions of our own; they are transmitted to us, trained into us.
Mark Twain
- A Connecticut Yankee in King Arthur’s Court
I felt persuaded that this woman must have been misrepresented, lied about. She trilled along, and trilled along, and presently a handsome young page, clothed like the rainbow, and as easy and undulatory of movement as a wave, came with something on a golden salver, and, kneeling to present it to her, overdid his graces and lost his balance, and so fell lightly against her knee. She slipped a dirk into him in as matter-of-course a way as another person would have harpooned a rat!
